Lessons

He never knew me

He was a lesson learned

One rose given in love

Sweeter than the dozens he bought to cover his guilt

          My favorites are lilies

Love Is

Love is never hard to find

It comes easy or not at all

Watching, waiting

For his reply

As he waits for me to fall

          Fall I did

So far down

Hollow was my decline

Descending the void

Transcending myself

          Letting go

I ran

As I often do, as I know how

Here I am safe

          Warren found

                   Dreams alive

I live

Now

          Here

                   Love is

Husband

Pale shadows, illusions of love

Shattered by morning’s light

Mere memories of softness

Disappeared with the night

Sunlight loves to burn it down

Silver on the pillow falls

She can’t stand to face the day

Rolls back over, looks at walls

Too strong to cry, to proud to beg

Too hurt ever to go back

That ice so thick, painfully deep

Fades the heart to bitter black

He never knew

The foolish man

Never knew the hurt he caused

And rabbit ran

He never knew

          …Two foolish men

Empty

Frost covers my soul and I can no longer find my emotions

Tears have ceased to fall.

I face the storms alone, gripping my own shoulders looking for solace,

loving only the grey that surrounds my heart.

Emotion is just a word that holds no meaning.

Love?

Behind the Glass Again

She walks in the space between dreams and waking light

Shadows are her home

Wandering in the fall of everything

Dancing across the memories

Some soft, some hard, some broken

Fragments of what we were

She is a ghost beneath the water's surface

The lost soul behind the glass

Untouchable, reclusive

Left inside herself again

Grey and somber

The Lady walks her path alone

In silence

The House that I Built

Nacreous colors dance through the surface

Of a tattered mind

Devoured by shadows

As the storm closes in

I live in a house that I myself built

Made of jaded beams forged in lost faith

The walls here are anger and hatred and guilt

All around pieces falling like ashes from a fire

Blackness with the iridescent shine of dreams

Fills her heart with frost, upon its walls dancing

Beyond feeling or sleep

Inside and alone, this destructive seclusion

Bearable

Shame

Unbearable pain

Reclusive, she hides away

These are the nails that bind me to my cross

This is the house

That I myself built

Better Forgotten

Dreaming of yesterdays better forgotten

She lifts her face up to taste rain from the skies

Carries those dreams on a train bound for nowhere

The Lady with cold, haunted eyes

Sometimes death is still there waiting

Long nights she's afraid to sleep

Someday, she knows, her past will catch her

For all that we sow we will reap

Novocain runs through her veins and she's sullen

Drifting to places she's left far behind

Somehow she's never quite lost all the shadows

Those places that haunt the dark space in her mind

Sometimes death is still there waiting

Long nights she's afraid to sleep

Someday, she knows, her past will catch her

For all that we sow we will reap

Mother and lover and daughter and best friend

Artist and poet and athlete now gone

Once such a Lady and once such a Demon

Never quite knowing which one

Sometimes death is still there waiting

Long nights she's afraid to sleep

Someday, she knows, her past will catch her

For all that we sow we will reap

Things Remembered

Longing tugs the bottom of her heart

Distance greater than time or deed

Lost in sorrow she spirals down

To unseen depths the heart can bleed

Desolate as she is left standing

Bare trees strangled in depths of snow

Ivory calm spreads out untouched

She falls to her knees, just letting go

Dreaming

What was her greatest trial

Her deepest loss felt through the bone

The melody of pain falls from numb lips

There she bows… Humbled… Alone

Teardrops caress her cheeks

Colder than death her tattered heart froze

She stands; she walks, back to her life

Yet in her soul the cold wind blows

Screaming

Winter at home

Softly falling through the chill

Landing on my windowsill

Makes my breath and my heart still

As stars take up the sky

Breath be seen when I exhale

Grey against the landscape pale

Trees of white surround the dale

My life could pass me by

Nightmare of the past

Reclusive, she shies away

An iceberg of loneliness

How pitiless the Fates

She finds respite in this frosty, private silence

Ghosts hushed in the day crawl out at night

And scratch their nails down the walls

Unvoiced screams in a tattered mind

A land full of demons

Cold winds carry fragments of memories

Swirling about, she is caught in the center

Horrors contain her

She hides deeper inside herself

Backed into the corner

Hands in front of her face

Rabbit runs into her hole

To sink into her shadow of grey

Calm Grace

Calming grace, she enters the room

Like a ballet, on tiptoes passes

Soft, the quiet understanding

There are no spoken words

Just that calm smile

And though not kin, a kindred soul

Sister of my heart, cherished more than family born

Dearest confidant, trust absolute

Tranquil hours we talk about nothing

And everything

Time was yet never passed

Always there, always true

Treasured guardian Angel

...

And someday, we will be two old bitties setting on the porch in our rockers…

With too many cats, for there is none more dear in my heart. She is my other half   ;)

Insomnia and the late Dream

The ringing in her ears

Screaming

That damned merciless drone…

So weary, she feels like crying

Anxiety building, shaking her core

Consuming her

As she watches the minutes floating past

The mind turns on itself

Savage and cannibal

Devouring rationality with distaste

Images flooding her

Too vivid

Too much red

She is there again

Burning in the heat

Smelling the stench of rotting flesh

That awful chill

          They're coming for you now

Toy soldiers falling down

Gruesome and grey arising

Hands reaching

Dead eyes blank

          Fire another round, it does no good

          Nothing can save you

          You are lost

The Box

Inside a box, I am trapped

It is dark in here

Help me

Heart beating fiercely

I bang on the walls

I can't see

Reaching, hitting another wall

Turn over, spin around, another wall

          nooooooo

Reach up and below

To feel more walls

          Ohhhhh God, I'm lost

Silver panic engulfs me

I can't breath

          Please!!!

Crying, the strength leaves my arms

I can beat these walls no more

          Alone, forgotten

I can't stand anymore

Defeated, I can't even cry…

Then calm

And I breathe 

I reach out and feel a knob
It turns, a door opens

Then light.

All I had to do was open my eyes.

Candles

Finding something long ago lost

As the candle's flame is lit by her hand

Seeing herself, blind for so long

Bound for too long

By burdens of guilt

Gone from sight

Buried deep and untouched

But the ghosts remain

Somewhere in that fog

The hardened heart

Trips awkward feet

On her knees, debased in pain

Dirty desecration of the very soul

Close your eyes, but the ghosts remain

So light the candle and see your fear

Look to the mirror and face the past

Own it, merge it

Cleanse yourself with admittance

And awareness

That you have done no wrong

You have lived

...

I still face these demons in my nightmares, but I take it one 'sleep' at a time. At least now, I don't feel as much remorse in my conscious hours.

Marriage

Love is a sovereignty that sets you free

Fits you with lofty wings

And laughs as you dance in its grace

Soft, the beating of his heart

Safe, the shelter of his arms

Warm, the quiet peace inside

My love, my life, my husband

...

It seems so long ago. He was such a large piece of my heart when I first said, "I do."

(December 2005)

Waiting in the Fall

Once again, sleep is elusive

Gazing into the candle light

My thoughts regress

To a time more hollow

Thankful now for the warmth and light

Thankful for the grey peace inside

For the love

For coming full circle

And though I am in the fall

And I know the snows are coming

I feel serene

I am not alone

I am not afraid

Simply… Waiting. 

...

Sad, but he did fall. I am heartbroken. Maybe someday...

Lady Alone

A shroud rests on a barren soul

As dusty winds swirl through her mind

Branches reaching with bare arms slender

For a loving moon

And the chill of the night is her only warmth

Through time's unseemly seam, she sees the bend

In Grace, she bows and waits

Ever the Lady

Tranquility on the water's surface

Calmness in her eyes

But never more

For these Sweet Dreams are just that –

Dreams

They vanished with the last morning star

Somewhere someone once stood alone

There she holds what can not be found

The Lady of Willows walks her path

Thus doing, keeps her memories bound

There she rests a broken heart

And ever more her stare will haunt

The ones she has loved, the one she's with,

The ones who never speak her name

Soft words echo sadly through her thoughts

That time so long ago

She let go

Let slip away

A window closed

A heart closed

Her face stone

Lady Alone

... 

Once again, he is now a bit of my past...

Get over it

Transcend the memory

          Here's the knife

Let go of the past

          Drive it deep

Get over your pain

          Twist it

Ignore the loss

          Leave a scar

Be strong, deny you fears

          Lose your mind in angst

Wipe those tears

          Wear a mask and weep inside

Set a good example

          Of losing yourself

 ...

Me dealing with things in my past - I had bad advice and good advice, and in the end I did what worked for me. I faced my demons and gave them a place to rest. They often slither out of my tightly sealed box, but I do my best to beat them back into submission.

A Memory

Somewhere in the distance

Of a fleeting soul

So long ago… Yet burns within

Tossing, turning

So far behind the glass

Untouchable but clear

There but still here

A memory

sleepless

That safe grey place she goes to hide

Dark, implicit… deep inside

She drinks the wine of days gone past

Bittersweet that time won't last

Sorrowed still, heartbrokenly so

Something left, she can't let go

As the dawn, her heart will break

For memories that come awake

So dances the Spiral, upward bound

As the wheel of life spins gently round

And glimpses she'll see

Of times to be

Of a past that has yet to appear

Cascading down, the bitter pain

Clutching, falling through that rain

Lost yet found, so far away

Cry to sleep then face the day

About Love

And there was a light in the darkness

As tender were his words

Softening the storm of an empty heart

From promises unkept

Quieted those barren winds

By gentle hands

The faith that followed

On amethyst tide

Has swept me off my feet

And we stand together

The world still

Save for the beating of a single heart

He lifts me up

And warmth

Like a blanket surrounds me

Safe from all harm

Fills me

This is love

...

  

 written when I was dating the man that I later married and am now divorcing... Irony, anyone?

Faltering

Silent screams whisper through the shadows of a racing heart

Unheard but felt

The elements of tattered souls

Words cascade through my mind as I stare into the night

A thousand flickers of a thousand dreams

Trace their paths behind closed eyes

Doubt falls across that vision

Crying once again, broken

Everything so far behind the glass

Harbored in angst

Though tender are his words

They can never mend

What was lost so long ago

What lies broken

Beneath the fallen leaves of memory

Another nightmare

Loneliness crashes like waves upon a shore

Time stands still through hallowed night

Emptiness blankets a delicate heart

Ice that suffocates all light

Through all of this cold, visions of you

Even in sleep, such haunted dreams

Shadows of memory fall upon the plains

Somewhere inside me, the silence always screams

My Shadow Man

Drifting through this gentle silence

What Sweet Dreams are these

That dance about on nimble feet

So long forgotten, that sorrowed time

Has turned to stone

A memory

The past vanished with the last morning star

And there she rests a broken heart

And now,

So sweet to hold

So sweet to love

To touch and have

Forever more

...


Oh, how sweet love was... (sigh) and the hurt is what could have been had he been a better man.

Bitter Wine

I drink bitter wine
I close my eyes to time
Feet up on the desk
My memories and I recline

Just my ghosts and the darkness
Long shadows on the wall
Dancing in that safe zone
And no more tears can fall

Someone let go not long ago
I love you now, but distance was
Time means little to steadfast hearts
Sometimes...

This time it does

Reflections of Friendship

Falling down through the velvet night,

Deep into a crimson morning,

She woke in her sorrow

Silver on her pillow.

She closed her eyes to the rising sun

Turned her face

To face the wall

Wiped away the dream's last tear

Breathlessly let another fall.

She pulled her knees to her chest

Placed her head within her hands

A sob escaped through trembling lips

She has no more tears except

Those cascading through her soul.

Broken hearted

She gets to her feet

Stumbles to the shower

Steam…

And she tries to get warm

There is too much ice

She washes the grief from her face

and prepares to face the day.

She closes her eyes to think of a better time

She feels like a walking dream

a mere silhouette of who she was… Empty.

He said to her "Once again, too trusting"

She said, "That's what love is"

And she let the guardian sleep

As they danced in the garden...

Then, a smile sweet like summer rain

And a brave, wild heart

Made her heart open for the first time in years

No walls were there

Soft and gentle as butterfly wings

Her faith glowing

Silence great, the distance greater

The hollow became full

He says "remember… Way down in the fall...

You've always fallen, fragile leaf…"

She says "that's what love is"

Letting go

And she walks through the fog

Deep inside the grey

She closes her eyes to let herself see

Deep into the blue light within

And sees the ones she loves the most…

That free, wild soul

Always there

A closeness that keeps her warm

Though so far away

And she loves them all deeper than words

She opens her eyes, for the first time in years

And sees with lucid soul

That is her gate that is her garden

Her beautiful beast and always her guardians 

 ...

Sometimes there were no words exchanged

simply knowing that they were there.

And through the years, I've only grown to love them more...

A Friend from Childhood, a Sister from the Corps.

Thank you both for being loyal and true,

and always, always there for me.

Written when I was going through a very hard time in my life, my two dearest friends helped pull me through and I had found a new love...

So many years ago... Things do change over the years. Sisters before misters, I always say. The beautiful beast has left, but the guardians have stayed.

Sorrows of the Past...

A crimson rose is set afloat

On azure wave of amber coat

Where is hear the ocean's note

Of lonely, whispered chants

The sun then bows its weary head

One last long golden ray has spread

Upon the face of humbled dead

As guidance through the Dance

The Lady's cape around her tight

She walks the road this starless night

And dream she may of what she might

Of things lost from her past

Forever more her soul will ride

Like roses set upon the tide

Though with the sea she may abide

Her eyes remain downcast

Rabbit Hole...

Follow me cried the rabbit

As he jumped into the hole

Darkness, all consuming as we travel the unknown

I gaze into the eyes I leave behind

Those eyes are tragic

Those eyes are mine

Follow Me, follow me...

The empty voice inside

That ghost that dances through the fog,

I walk right off the ledge

Falling down

To rabbit town

We're all going on a ride

Pull the trigger, dodge the round

I come back home

But spiral down

I paled though held my silence

With hard eyes and bleeding heart

And when I returned from the rabbit hole

I returned only in part